For those of us over 50, the words ‘sexual revolution’ will probably still ring with meaning, and I read an interesting post at The Hoopla recently entitled, “Is Ten Times a Year Really enough,” and it got me thinking particularly about the menopause and sex drive.
Let’s face it, those of us of a certain age were the first generation given the freedom of using the Pill and sex before marriage, and sex for love or fun rather than just procreation became the norm.
And I think probably we took being freed from many sideline pressures totally for granted, and believed, as I’m sure all young people do, that sex and our bodies would never change.
But women are never truly free
In The Hoopla I read that in Victorian times a woman who loved sex would be classified as mentally disturbed, while today if your libido runs low you’ll be labeled as sexually dysfunctional.
So pills and potions and hype from Pharmaceutical companies geared to make a humungous bob or two out of us are there to change us into what we ‘should be’ or ‘feel’ however we really are.
Too much or too little libido – they’ll be onto it, don’t you worry.
But when we’re over 50, do we worry, or don’t we, you know … about our libido? Too much, too little, are we normal – or have we given up on all that?
I saw a cartoon the other day which pictured an old man in the Dr’s surgery asking for Viagra, while his aging wife was in the surgery next door and the female doctor was dishing out potions and hormonal remedies to help prevent sex from being painful.
So who’s kidding who?
It’s a funny old world.
Menopause and sex drive and a youth-centric society
I don’t like labels, and everyone is different, especially after menopause but we don’t talk about such things very much as mature women.
There’s no ‘Cosmopolitan Magazine for over Fifties” is there? And we are so past spilling all, Sex in the City style, over a few drinks.
But the fact that as a demographic we are sidelined by magazines is a shame, because it’s hard enough dealing with a body that sags and a memory that goes AWOL without feeling you should conform to the norms of a youth-centric society when it comes to sex which is paraded titillatingly in front of our eyes in so many magazines, advertisements and newspaper headlines.
Being told what’s normal
Sorry Cosmopolitan I don’t like you any more, you are too forceful and bossy and young. And anyway, I don’t know if I ever really liked you or if you ever really helped me. I think you just made me feel inadequate when I was younger. How many orgasms was I meant to have in half an hour?
Puleeese!
To think that sometimes I’d look at my friends and in quiet moments wonder what they were doing in the sack (sorreeee!), and how often was normal, and what was ‘good’ or ‘bad’ in bed, before reading next month’s lead article in some womens’ magazine or other only to be told something else.
Did you do that too?
Pfffffttt! I’ve had enough of being told what’s normal. Thank goodness for the sense that comes with age.
I’m still standing.
I can still make the best of my (ahem) attributes.
And I applaud my body for whatever it’s capable of after 55 years of a helter skelter ride which has included being part of a sexual revolution,as well as adoring, Mick Jagger, Donny Osmond and David Cassidy from afar, and watching Olivia Newton John strut her stuff in a tight black bodysuit. Hell yeah!
Gee, if we’re over fifty we have a swathe of awkward memories, most of which will remain locked in the vaults of memory forever.
Make hay while the sun still shines
After a life of taking precautions and now free of the risks of pregnancy we are technically free, so I reckon now the kids have left home and if the dog has died we can make hay while the sun shines, so to speak, if that’s ok with us. On the other hand if hormones have gone haywire and libido is scant then surely we are old enough and wise enough to find ways to deal with it?
Either way, we shouldn’t be pushed by the media, or pressured by pharmaceuticals, or lambasted by a society that’s consumed by the ideals of youth and sex.
Ultimately though, women have an inkling that there’s probably more to life than wrinkle free skin and rampant sex multiple times a day for a hundred years, whatever the boys are fed via the media and current pop culture (let’s face it, sex sells).
And if that’s what the boys want (although there’s increasing evidence that they don’t) then they’d better strap the ditsy 22 year old bimbo onto the back of a Harley and disappear in a puff of smoke.
I reckon that women of a certain age are less likely to be bonking like rabbits, but more likely to head to a health spa somewhere exotic (with exquisite cocktails) and take with them their own loving, older man of good wit who knows a thing or two – about how to treat a woman, about ‘doing it’ and especially how to give a good massage 😉
Normal as normal gets
Joking aside, and at the end of the day I think it’s important to remember … If you’re lucky enough to be in an established loving, relationship relax, make the most of it, whatever that means for you.
Don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise – especially not Cosmopolitan or the Pharmaceuticals.
So …
Come on … tell me (not your most intimate details) what’s your take on the topic? As Baby Boomers are we the forgotten demographic, are we preached to, what do we need, is there enough useful advice out there about sex, lust, love and hormones after 50, or don’t we care any more?
One of my friend’s joked the other day – “Menopause consists of two words. Men and Pause.”
However, I’m betting not everyone agrees with that thought either.
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Until next time,
How to be more active without really trying
Kathy Marris
December 6, 2013 at 1:36 pmLove, love, love this article. We are all so hung up and tight-lipped about what is normal ‘sex-wise’. You would think after being part of the Sexual Revolution we would all be more comfortable about talking about sex. I think it is still a personal thing, but the intimacy that is associated with having sex is still what we all crave, even though sometimes the body isn’t that willing. You just have to keep experimenting and communicating with each other to see what works.
Johanna
December 6, 2013 at 2:44 pmHi Kathy, so true … ‘the intimacy associated with having sex is still what we crave” … I think human beings crave physical contact at any age.
Catherine
November 14, 2013 at 5:43 amHi Johanna. Thanks for another great article. At 48 (OK, nearly 49!) I’m thinking that menopause may be just around the corner. Not because it correlates with a chronological age, of course, but because I can feel changes in all sorts of areas. I’m lucky to have a very kind and understanding husband who’s not above recignising that his body is changing too (ageing’s not exclusive to females, ladies!). We’re finding it helpful to communicate more than ever and respect and embrace the changes rather than pretend they’re not happening. On a completely different note, I’m not receiving email notifications about this, or your other blog posts. The last I received was the one about the Dolphin Centre a few weeks ago. I found this post by Googling Lifestyle Fifty. Just letting you know in case other followers are dropping off your list as well….
Johanna
November 14, 2013 at 10:09 amHi Catherine, Thanks for replying and I love your comment that you are both ‘Finding it helpful to communicate more than ever and respect and embrace the changes rather than pretend they’re not happening.” Such a positive way of dealing with things. Thank you. And thank you for pointing out about the email notifications – very odd. I’m going to have a look at the back end of things on my blog, and see what’s happening.
Carol
November 7, 2013 at 6:56 pmYou have definitely tapped into something here Jo. Why is is that we don’t talk about the menopause? When I was in my teens and twenties there wasn’t anything I couldn’t discuss with my girlfriends but I went through an early menopause at 42 and just met a wall of silence. I knew about the dry hair and dry skin, but dry everything? Even now I am finding it hard to write about it and I am just talking to my computer at the moment! Definitely talking to my husband helps enormously and keeping a sense of humor eases everything along. Am I the only one who gets into bed at the end of a busy day and just wants to, well, sleep? Bring back the siesta for the over 50’s I say as I am much more lively during the day!
I remember reading an article written by a quite elderly man and on the subject of sex he said that it was like climbing a mountain: it may take him longer now to get to the top but once there the view was just as spectacular.
Keep challenging us Jo – your blog is excellent!
Johanna
November 8, 2013 at 8:07 amThank you Thank you Carol! When women of like mind speak out it’s so encouraging, and thanks too for your kind words. I know, until I wrote this piece I had an inkling that other women would be having menopausal issues that they just weren’t talking about, except perhaps to Doctors, who in my opinion don’t take the various symptoms all that seriously having a ‘one kit fits all’ kind of approach – which if you start listening to women, clearly isn’t the case. As we age we all have squirmy issues that we rather just hope that if we ignore them might get better with time! Oh yes, bring back the siesta, I couldn’t agree more! Dry hair, dry skin, dry everything after menopause … again, in my humble opinion women should have more advice and all the options more readily available, and across the counter – we shouldn’t always have to go making Drs appointments or searching for answers.
Rae Hilhorst
November 7, 2013 at 5:09 pmThought it was a great read, yes I was interested enough to read it through as it changed from section to section
Highlighted the fact that there is no information for menopausal woman in a cosmopolitan style magazine
If anyone is going to have a go at you it will be them (cosmopolitan)
Not that I think we would buy it anyway (cosmopolitan for Menopausal women)
There will be those woman who don’t care about sex and will be focused on coping with menopause
Also I think woman of this age will be internet searching information and talking to their doctors as we are so used to the media ignoring us
And couldn’t rely on their information as that style of magazine is focused on ramping up emotions, otherwise they wouldn’t sell as many magazines
The article to me was giving me an insight into attitudes, age and stage, without being confrontational
Definitely food for thought and didn’t make me squirm which is surprising as I am a prude
Rae xxx
Johanna
November 7, 2013 at 5:18 pmThanks for cutting to the chase Rae, and I did chuckle at your idea for Cosmopolitan for Menopausal women! No I wouldn’t buy it either! Yes I think there’s a lot of internet searching and chatting to doctors going on at our age, and then mostly we zip our lips both at home and around friends, because a lot of the stuff is a bit ‘squirm making’. I’m glad I didn’t make you squirm with this one though 🙂
Yolanda Jones
November 7, 2013 at 3:40 pmBrilliant Jo just been telling a BYT (bright young thing) the other day that their website should also have ideas for older plumper women who still want to look good!!! Recently one of the mags here in SA had an article by an over 50 that accused retailers of only catering for the BYT’s and having forgotten that the over 50’s are the ones with the buying power!!! That is in the image department the sex department I agree with you entirely we are made to feel inferior if we not at it all the time anymore and unfortunately with over 50 comes problems with backs necks and knees all parts needed in the action stakes!!! So thanks for saying what most of us think but don’t have the guts to say. Well written well said
Johanna
November 7, 2013 at 4:24 pmHi Yolanda, oh Thank You for saying that! I shivered and shook before I hit ‘publish’ on this one, not realising just how many women over 50 would relate to it. Although your last sentence in the comment smacks of sadness (the creaking limbs and failing bits) you did make me laugh! Thank you for taking the time to pop by from South Africa, and for making me giggle on this sunny afternoon in Australia. 🙂
Neva Fels
November 7, 2013 at 2:02 pmMy sister and I were just talking about how society has changed on this subject. My mother practically went into hiding when she was pregnant. Sex wasn’t seen, discussed and was considered a duty to be tolerated. Now it’s the main subject in music, films, etc. What was called humping is now twerking. We’ve been observing the evolution of this subject for 50+ married years and we’re comfortable with what was, is, and will always be our love for each other both physically and mentally.
Johanna
November 7, 2013 at 4:29 pmThat’s a coincidence, Neva, and yes, I agree it’s almost inconceivable how views have changed on this subject in such a very short time. I love that you’ve been married for 50+ years and still love each other physically and mentally. I wish you many more happily married years.
Pam
November 7, 2013 at 8:20 amWell done Jo – This is an excellent and much needed article.
I certainly related and it did make me think, why the hell should we need to think about society’s expectations at this stage in our life.
I think that society’s expectations put a lot of pressure on us. My grandmother was old at 60 and no one would even have considered that she would still be capable, let alone willing to ‘do it.’ The fact that many of us in our 50s and 60s now have looked after ourselves and don’t look, think or act our age (whatever that is) puts pressure on us to perform differently to our mothers and grandmothers.
I think age and experience have taught us that it’s fine to be ourselves and that there’s more to a relationship than physical attraction but we still struggle with the concept of what we ‘should’ be doing against what we want to do.
Johanna
November 7, 2013 at 9:06 amHi Pam, thanks for taking the time to comment and yes, it’s incredible how much perceptions have changed about age, fitness, appearance and sex since our Grandmother’s days. I wholeheartedly agree with your thoughts on struggling with what we should be doing against what we want to do, as I’m sure most of us do have that internal struggle a lot of the time.
Life Images by Jill
November 6, 2013 at 8:47 pmloved your post Jo – it was light hearted and yet broaching a subject that probably is kept in the closet for the over 50s set.
– and yes those magazines we used to devour in our younger years did leave us feeling less than confident, were we doing it right, and sometimes left wondering…. Here’s cheers to staying together all this time through all the problems of life, a loving relationship, having someone warm to curl up to during the night and not feeling like you have to “perform” after a dinner date!
Johanna
November 7, 2013 at 9:01 amHi Jill, thanks for your encouraging comments on this post and I wholeheartedly agree with your sentiments in the final sentence!
Mary
November 6, 2013 at 8:20 pmBrilliant and brave. I love it! Cheers to spontaneity and romantic surprises.
Johanna
November 7, 2013 at 9:00 amThank you Mary 🙂 Words to make my heart sing 🙂
Dee
November 6, 2013 at 5:59 pmBeautifully written and so accurate!
Being 55 and still relatively fit, can agree that having the home to ourselves again is mixed with both horror and ecstasy but not sure why. Relief that my husband of 33 years feels exactly the same way!
We prefer to now share a joke, a nice glass of wine and a back massage. .who knows…. Getting older is great if we have the courage to accept that we are now looking at life through a very different perspective. Blessed are we that we made it this far, and the’ menopause and equally manopause’ goes both ways. The true test is talking about it honestly with our partners and agreeing, what is important to sustain our loving relationship, sex is often overrated! , we can all agree on that one. So, whatever it is that we are all trying to achieve, my theory is one day at a time, keep an open and honest attitude and remember to laugh! Loving being this age, and love the fact I don’t have to act flirtatious anymore with my partner who loves me, for me including the extra kilos! 🙂
Johanna
November 6, 2013 at 6:03 pmThanks for your comments Dee, and I appreciate your honesty. I’m glad you could relate and thank you for the helpful additions you pitched in to the conversation too.