Confession … when I’m in England I love reading the tabloid newspapers. If I’m staying with Mum I get up, put the kettle on and run for the Daily Mail which arrives with a satisfying thud on the doormat each day..
Some of the British papers though can be pretty alarmist. In fact, if you pay attention to the columns of health news, then over time they can leave you in no doubt that you’re going to die, and probably quite soon.
It’s quite mind boggling really – Don’t eat this, don’t eat that. Eat this superfood – No, don’t! You might die!
But it draws you in, big time!
Then there are the worry tactics like:-
You’ll most likely die a pauper anyway because there’ll be no pension pot left in a few years, and by the way, refugees will take over Britain and then you’re sure to end up dead.
If that’s not enough to scare you then you might be warned about disease – You’ll get this disease by walking across meadows with long grass, and that disease (not seen since the days of 19th century missionaries) is now alive and being spread again in the suburbs.
By week two in England I didn’t want to step foot outside the house.
But I was drawn to read the newspapers Every Single Day!
Weird, Wacky and Wonderful
I ate brocolli, didn’t eat brocolli, substituted grapes for carrots because they’re apparently better for your eyesight. Went back on butter, came back off butter, and started having half a teaspoon of cinnamon with my porridge every morning because apparently it’s a wonder food. Then I went running.
Call me gullible 😉
But don’t get me started on Manuka honey.
So to give you a taste of the vagaries and maybe a little laugh at the mad world we live in, here are the (alleged) answers to life, the universe and everything via some (entertaining) British newspapers with particular credit to The Daily Mail.
Please take these juicy tidbits with a pinch of salt (which, ahem, you probably shouldn’t be eating anyway
What I learnt in 3 weeks
A man kept a 32 million pound lottery ticket in his wallet for a week because he was too busy painting his house to pick up the prize. (WHATTT was he
smoking thinking? I’d have been round to the newsagents or wherever like a shot!)
Chocolate can give your brain a boost. (Wahay, onto that one – my brain needs all the help it can get)
A midwife allegedly refused to give an expectant mother an epidural and suggested she think instead about drinking a glass of rum and smoking a spliff instead to alleviate the pain. (Didn’t happen in my day)
There’s more evidence from various research to suggest an apple a day keeps doctors away. (Don’t know about you, but I love apples. So I’m willing to give this advice a go)
Apparently chef Mary Berry uses shop bought pesto? (Did you know that? Me neither! Did we need to? Lol!)
Female viagra apparently doesn’t add passion and could make you doze.(Why do men have all the fun?)
A millionaire drove off as some poor policeman clung to the door of his jaguar. (Ooh, ouch. All in the name of duty)
Some doctors say that schools should ban all rugby tackling. (Don’t tell this to the All Blacks)
We should stay out of the sun to keep looking young. (Er, didn’t we all know this anyway?)
We’re healthiest when we’re aged 30 and earn most at age 47. (Now there’s a thing)
I learnt about the secret life of the Queen. (I had to read this series. Who can resist a peak behind the Royal castle doors?)
Did you know that you’re never really home alone? Creepies, crawlies and vermin share our houses too. (Does that include teenagers?)
Apparently UK children lack the grit to succeed. (Come on kids – step to it)
Children (they say) are telling their parents to put their phones away at the dinner table. (Talk about role reversal)
Yes, new evidence reputedly suggests that grapes, not carrots are great for your eyes. (And there I was acting like a rabbit)
Did you know that apparently Jerry Hall has an ex wives club? Me neither! (What some tales she and her pals must have to tell after a few glasses of wine – poor Mick Jagger, watch out Rupert)
Madonna had a meltdown in Melbourne, and I saw the pics splattered in the news. (It all sounded a bid sad)
Toddlers, it was revealed, really are little monkeys. (Now who’s stating the obvious?)
Now don’t get scared but Scarlet Fever cases have apparently reached their highest level since the 1960s. (Where do they find out this kind of information?)
Elvis allegedly wanted a hitman to murder Priscilla’s lover. (Do we really need to know this after all those years?)
An out of control chihuahua is on death row after going on a rampage. (So it’s chihuahuas not terrorists we should be afraid of)
Tap water is declared safe. (That’s good because I’ve been drinking it for years!)
Prince William was accused of being work-shy. (But ohmigosh, the pics of him and his adorable family rugged up in ski suits in Switzerland were so cute)
There’s evidence to suggest the quickest way to get fitter is to retire. (Getting there)
And then, retirement can give your energy levels a boost. (Can’t wait)
The Sixty-somethings say that old age really begins at 85. (Got a few years to go then)
Mole hills are good for your garden and so we shouldn’t be beastly to the wee beasties. (Really? They terrorised me when I had a garden – my lawn looked like a war zone)
Men need to do pelvic floor exercises too. (Step up to the mark, fellas! Us girls are watching – your faces!)
Foreign gap years are a waste of time. (Of course they are if Mummy and Daddy pay for them)
Some bottled waters cost more than beer or petrol. (Isn’t this a scary fact. But I bet you are as guilty of sometimes buying water as I am).
Scientists say you could live forever – just one catch, you’ll have to become a robot. (I hope we can choose who we and what we look like. I don’t want some Darth Vadar type body – I’d like to look like Goldie Hawn)
Post menopause millions of women apparently gain a cup size they can’t shift – ( Is that a bad thing?)
And lastly before I jumped on Flight QR9 from Heathrow on Qatar airways I read about how to stop your mobile from giving you a wrinkly neck. (Thank goodness I was required to immediately turn the damn thing off)
Have you got any interesting tidbits to pass on from reading the papers?